Still working things out [15 Mar 2006|10:10pm] [ mood | anxious ] Ok, so I still haven't heard back from anyone regarding this distance course that I royally fucked up. So I think I'm going to ge beg my case and hopefully will be able to get the course dropped with a "W". That will be 800$ down the drain but at least it isn't going to effect my record that severly. And I'll have to retake the course in May. Again, not a big deal since as long as the material is the same, I will have done a good portion of the work. Not the best sitaution but I'm trying to prevent as much damage as possible. In the meantime, I'm trying hard not to go completely nuts. I will be so relieved when this semester is over. post comment

Failure [15 Mar 2006|01:26am] It seems like I'm going to fail a course. And not any course, a six credit course that is part of my minor. Being the inattentive person I guess I am, I missed the due date of all 7 of my papers. The fact that I was never informed about the due dates made it a little difficult to pass them in on time. I was under the understanding that I had until the end of term to pass them in. Silly me. So this information has caused only what I can call a mental breakdown in which I'm not sure I can function until I figure out exactly what my options are. Any advice is appreciated since I have no brain power to do anything but worry. 1 comment|post comment

Back Again [23 Feb 2006|12:41am] Here I am back again after what I'm guessing is about a year hiatus from livejournal. Even in its prime, livejournal was not a regular occurrence in my life. This is something I need to remedy. Basically I don't expect anyone to read this as my rambling are interesting to no one but myself (even that is debatable). The reason this journal is back in swing is that I'm honestly tired of trying to write out my journal by hand. This is much faster and therefore I get to say more (something I'm always fond of). I basically need an outlet in my life right now. I am stressed and need the soothing, cathartic therapy of removing my thoughts from my brain and putting them into words so I never need to think them again. I will relax me and make room for more important things such as all the dates I have to remember for my medieval history class. I really really like to write. That seems to be a lame sentence but its going to stay there because its true. I've always enjoyed since I was really young and wrote my first story "The Little Cat" when I was 5. Even if I didn't bloom into a literary creative genius, the desire to write stuck around which brings us to this exact moment. I would really like to hole myself up for a few days away from everything just alone with my thoughts. Maybe I would think of something interesting, maybe I wouldn't but it certainly would be an interesting experiment. I could be like one of those famous literary hermits from the 4th century. Living alone with my thoughts (though I can't say they would have anything to do with God). I find it interesting that during that time, just sitting around and writing and thinking about God was considered a worthwhile thing to do. I mean, today anytime anyone sits and does nothing or reads a book (not for class), it is usually considered self-indulgent and too relaxing. That change in thinking is an interesting one. I would agree with Weber who suggests that this total disdain for idleness really emerged with Capitalism and the Protestant ethic. I mean when a really popular religion equals monetary success with virtuous Chirstian behavior its bound to led somewhere. Just a thought. Wow, I really should be studying instead of indulging myself. UBC really thrives on this idea that students shouldn't be idle, at least my profs do. That was one of the marked differences between school here and in Europe. There was almost no busy work. I had 100% finals and that was it. They didn't want to you to spend every waking hour reading class material and pulling out your hair. Maybe it reflects different ways of life. I know they work less there too, especially in France. Then again, almost everywhere works less than North America. Maybe we just got it wrong. Now I'm just rambling. God, I'm boring sometimes. At least I don't mind being boring. Its the worst when you bore yourself because its not like you can get away. Alright my tired brain obviously needs sleep. I think the three midterms I've written this week so far have addled me a little. I have to be fresh and awake to deal with Dr. jing tomorrow as it takes all brain power to understand the man. Mix really strong Asian accent with bad stutter. Not a good mixture. Cheers, Laura 1 comment|post comment

[27 Feb 2005|03:16am] [ mood | sad ] Just got back from a club. Now I remember why I don't go to them. I like dancing....for a little bit. Meaning like maybe two hours. Not four hours. That's killer. I feel dead and llike I never want to dance again. Anyways, that's not really what's on my mind. I'm thinking again about being away from Alex all summer. I really don't want to do it. I'm starting to get really scared. I don't want to be as sad as I was when he left me last time. I don't think my heart could take that again. That seriously almost destroyed me. I know it would probably be different due to the different circumstances we're in now but I just don't want to even chance feeling that way again. I'm trying so hard not to be angry or sad but its hard. I'm so sad about this yet he doesn't care. if he did he wouldn't do this to me. I just love him so much and I can't picture even being with anyone else. I'm scared this separation is going to destroy our relationship. Oh god *sob* why does this have to happen? I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen again, that I wouldn't let myself feel like that again. What's going to happen? post comment

blah blah blah blah [07 Feb 2005|11:39pm] [ mood | silly ] I feel silly. And tired. Silly and tired. Yep. That's what I feel. I'm really not going anywhere with this. I should be going to bed because like always I have to get up early tomorrow. I hate early class. It sucks. Class shouldn't even start before 10. Went to go check out the tattoo today. It would cost me $450! Craziness. We'll jhave to check out some other places I guess. I have two midterms this week. They're both going to be hard. I hate hard tests. I hate them as much as early classes. blah blah blah. That's all I have to say today, should go to bed. post comment

*sigh* [05 Feb 2005|12:11am] [ mood | hopeful ] I think I'm finally getting a hold of life. Finally figuring it out. Or at least figuring it out well enough for me. I feel like I can handle things again and i'm comfortable with myself, something I haven't been for a really long time. I feel...content I guess. I haven't figured out everything about myself or what I want but at least now i have the confidence to pursue whatever I want. No doors are closed to me. I have been defeating myself, beating myself up because I felt inferior to people here. I felt like everyone was smarter and had a better idea of what they were doing with their life. I've since realized that they aren't any better than I am and my obvious feeling of inferiority was making people treat me like I was inferior. That seems so weird to me that I was acting like that because I've alwasy been the sort of person that wouldn't let anyone treat me any less than I deserve. I used to be such a strong, bright person and I'm going to bring her back. I'm going to take advantage of my life and I'm not going to let mt problems get in the way anynmore. I know Alex has been telling me these things for while but I needed to feel them for myself. Its one thing to think about them logically and another to actually feel them in your heart. post comment

[14 Dec 2004|02:28am] [ mood | excited ] I'm tired and I can't sleep again. Probably because I'm so excited to go home tomorrow. Unfortunately I still have another exam to write. If I don't get to sleep soon I'll be too tired to write my exam. I miss Alex. I want to see him now. Its going to be hard to be away from him for a week but I guess I'll manage. Well, I'll try going to sleep again. post comment

[12 Dec 2004|03:28am] [ mood | tired ] I'm tired but I can't sleep.. Another bad headache. Man, I can't get rid of this. I feel uneasy about my exam on Monday. I can't wait til I'm done. Anyways, off to bed...again. post comment

EXAM!! [10 Dec 2004|01:52am] [ mood | sick ] [ music | Silent Night- Ella Fitzgerald ] Exam tomorrow! Exam! Exam! Exam! and I have a migraine....cruel cruel fate.....Go away migraine. At least until 3:30 tomorrow. post comment

[06 Dec 2004|11:40pm] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | Rufus Wainwright- Foolish Love ] I'm in pain. I have such a killer headache. I've had it for over a week and it won't go away. So annoying. Exams are getting closer. I still haven't done much of amything about it though. I took a tylenol 3. Hopefully that will get rid of this headache for good. Life is boring right now. Everyone is studying. I should be studying too. I want to go home. post comment

Weird and Tired.... [29 Nov 2004|12:56am] [ mood | distressed ] Hello Hello, it's very late. I should be in bed but I can't sleep. I feel weird tonight. One of my very unusual, very annoying mood swings or something. Something has disturbed me and I don't know what. So I thought I would write in here instead of trying to sleep. Let's see what to say.... well I only have one more paper due this semester and it'll be such a relief to have it finished. This semester has been really hard, probably because I was sick for a good portion of it. I can't wait to go home. I'll be home in two weeks from Wednesday. Then I can relax and do nothing stressful for three weeks. I'm hungry. I'm starting to run out of food which is not good since I am completely broke. Spent my last few dollars on Christmas presents. Oh well. It's worth it. I like buying things for other people. It never feels like Christmas here. It really doesn't feel like life here at all. Almost like this is a break from life and I won't really be living until I'm home. I don't necessarily mean that I'm unhappy here because I'm not. Classes are a bit stressful but I have friends and I don't feel lonely. Things are fine..It's just sort of a disjointed existence since you live at school and there is no way to escape it. I really should get to bed. I don't have class until 1 but I have a paper to start writing. That may be whats bothering me. i hate having papers hanging over my head. I have a lot of work to do in the next couple of days if I want to get this paper done in time. Hmm... I wish Alex was here now. I just need a hug or something.... Its too late to ask him to come up and he's probably too stoned anyways. Maybe I'll head off to bed...maybe not...either way I'm going tostop writing. post comment

[26 Nov 2004|10:24pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | Love is only a feeling - The Darkness ] I don't know why I've decided to write tonight. Writing in this journal is not something I do a regular basis for some reason. Perhaps because I'm busy? Probably just because I'm lazy. Anyways, I'm just relaxing tonight. Had a really stressful week. Stupid Russian lit paper. At least its done. Just one moer term paper and then all I have to worry about is exams. I can't wait to go home and get a break. My brain is starting to melt. Well, I'm in Alex's room right now and he's gone to the liquor store for me. I don't know why I made him go. It's stupid really. I mean, I did want to a have a few beers but I don't have to. I feel kinda bad. I should have gone with him at least. I don't know. Sometimes I get stubborn and I don't even know why. Oh well, one thing at a time. I can't fix everything at once. Right now I just have to work on being less cranky and moody. I'm doing better than I was but I'm still not doing a great job. Baby steps. Hmm...I don't really have much else to say. Just counting down the days til I'm home. Blargh. I have to try to write in this more. I would probably help with the cranky thing. post comment

[26 Oct 2004|09:05am] [ mood | tired ] I'm sooo tired. I was up way too late last night and now I'm up too early. Maybe going to Koerner's last night wasn't such a great idea. Oh well. At least I had a good time which is a little unusual for me here. I met a lot of Penny's guy friends who were fairly nice and fun to hang out with even if they were a bit immature. One of her friends was hitting on me I think, or at least trying to. Not so cool but he is going to let me borrow some of his dvds that I'll give to Alex to burn if they're any good. I have so much work to do in the next couple of days if I want to go to Calgary. Two papers and all kinds of assignments. I don't know I can do all that in three days. post comment

Back Again [26 Jun 2004|11:52pm] [ mood | discontent ] It's been ages since my last post. Well before I left Vancouver to come home to the Shore. I'm happy to be home. Just the comfort of people knowing my name has been a great relief. I greatly missed that feeling of community that I'm used to. UBC really isn't a community. It's just a place that people learn. Before this year, school was always more than that. That is what really made this year difficult to me. I will go back next for at least another year and then I guess, we'll see what happens. Alex is kinda stuck at UBC for the rest of his bachelor's degree so if I leave UBC I'll be leaving him which is a big part of my decision to go back next year. Things with us are normal I guess. Our usual ups and downs. I think I've been giving hom his space like he wanted though its really easy since I'm working pretty much everyday. I'm worried about money for next year. It looks like it isn't going to be there but I'm hoping for a miracle. Life goes on here much like it always has. Working, hanging out with my family and just relaxing. I don't see much of my friends as they're working too and its hard for us to get our schedules in sync. I feel a little bit weird about being home. All the people that went away this year like me had a great time and are excited to get back so they don't care that much about their high school friends. The people who stayed around here formed groups which have become close and are hard to get into. I want to hang out with my old friends but they aren't too receptive, for reason or another. Right now, I'm at Alex's house. We were supposed to go to a movie but it sold out. I ended up back here with Alex, Adam, Oehman and Mark. After Mark l;eaves, everyone will be drinking and I'll be forgotten about. I bought alcohol but don't really feel like drinking. I feel guilty about spending money on something so useless. Oh well, I guess I could return it on Tuesday. I'll probably get Alex to drive me home when Mark leaves. I don't think I'd enjoy myself in this company, not because I don't like them because I don't but because I'm just not fun anymore. I used to be vivacious and fun and now I'm so subdued. how things change. I wish I could find y place in all this change. I hate feeling like I'm the only one who doesn't have a place anymore. Alex is always much more interesting to hanging out with his friends. It's frustrating because none of friends want to hang out with me or t hey just don't have the time. I don't really feel lonely though because I spend a lot of time with my family. There's usually someone there (usually my mom) who wants to talk to me with no hidden objective. I'm working election day which is in two days. Should be a very boring day but definitely worth the money I'll make. I need the money. I'm starting to panic. I feel out of control with what I can do. I work and work and don't seem to get anywhere. Grr....well enough for tonight I guess. This was just something to pass the time while the guys play cards. My heart just isn't into it tonight. I don't want to say anything to Alex becaus he'll tell the guys and they'll make fun of me. He doesn't seem to know when to use dicretion. anyways, I better be off. Perhaps I should try to write in here a little more often. Not that anyone reads but whatever. Goodnight. post comment

It's been a while [21 Apr 2004|12:19am] [ mood | blah ] [ music | Adagio for Strings- Barber ] It's definitely been a while since I last posted. I don't know why I haven't written. I guess due to the fact that both too much and too little were going on. I was preoccupied with exams so studying has taken up much of my free time. Other than writing exams and studying, pratically nothing has happened. Arts County Fair was mediocre. Since I couldn't get in the main area because of my underageness, I was sectioned off from almost everyone and the stage. It wasn't especially thrilling. Exams have been going on since then. I have written three and have another one tomorrow. I'll be home in less than a week and i can't wait. I'm tired of this place. I just want to see familiar faces again. I've started the packing process today as I'll be short on time right before I go due to my stupid Russian exam. Alex is the same as usual. Scatter-brained and peoccupied. He's with Jacqueline now, smoking of course. Not that it matters anymore. Nothing I ever say or feel will change anything. Its pointless even to say anything anymore. Besides, he needs to spend time with friends, people other than me. He'll become bored of me. This won't be so hard once I get home and there are other people who want to spend time with me. There just seems to be a total lack of people who want me in their presence. Whatever. Almost time to leave. Then I can leave the pain and stress behind. Can't wait.... post comment

[31 Mar 2004|01:06am] [ mood | stressed ] It's been a long time since I last wrote. This is mostly because I couldn't find the energy to do so. Not much has changed over the last three weeks or so. I'm still sick and still find it extremely difficult to go to class. Unfortunatley, I can't miss any more English classes or I fail the course. Luckily, there's only four classes left. I have a lot of work to do lately as well. I guess its just the time of year. I feel horribly burdened by everything. I feel incapable of working but the work has to be done just the same. This semester just seems to drag on and on and I don't know how much longer I can really take it. Alex and I fight constantly about things we really shouldn't fight about mostly due to the strain I've been over. Everyday is a countdown to when i can be finished with this year and be on my way home. There's less than a month left here but it seems like an eternity. I just feel so down. Sometimes, randomly, I'll just start crying. My brain is never fully operational and nothing seems to keep me entertained. I feel rejected by everyone I know here and I go long periods of time where I only really talk to Alex and Julia. I'm so lonely, sick amd stressed and I would like nothing more than to give up entirely and go home. But it's not possible now. The end is just too near. There's only one more week of class then two weeks of exams. I wish things could be a little easier. And I wish I didn't have to bring Alex down into this void either. He has the possibility of being happy here. He has a few friends to hang out with and school doesn't stress him out. He really doesn't care much for his family so he doesn't miss them at all. I sometimes feel like I could never be happy here and that really hurts. I feel trapped here though I can't think of any other options which makes me feel worse. Am I doomed to feel crappy for the rest of my life? I know logically the answer is probably no but I still feel sorta hopeless. There just doesn't seem to be that many options out there for me. Do I really want to be a university student? I don't know. What else would I do? I don't know. I really don't know anything at this point. I hate school, I hate this place, I basically hate everything. I NEED to go home but its so far away..... post comment

how late! how late it is! [02 Mar 2004|01:09am] [ mood | Spacy ] [ music | Coldplay-Politik ] I'm sitting here at my computer. Eating Soup. Feeling tired but I have to finish my soup before i can sleep. Looking at my poor mutailated arm. People should be more careful when they take blood. This soup is good. My mom sent it to me. If you can tell, I'm kinda out of it tonight. I'm sooo tired. I slept most of the day but my stupid mono infested body doesn't seem to think it's enough. I have a lot of class to go to tomorrow. I'm going to try to drag myself to all of them but there's no promises. Hmm,...what else to say? Julia's boyfriend Yacob is coming back for a three week stay on Friday and I can't say that I'm too excited. Or that I'm exicted at all. Actually, I really don't want him to come. Grrr... Alex's birthday is soon. I don't know what to get him. Especially since it's really hard for me to drag myself off campus. I don't like dragging myself. I have a lot of papers to do too. I hate papers. I especially hate papers that have stupid guildlines like you can't use the internet. I hate the library. Epecially when there are 9 libraries on campus and the books you're looking for could be in 9 different libraries. Drat! Time for bed. My soup is done and my eyes are droopy. post comment

oh so tired.,, [26 Feb 2004|01:13am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | La Valse d'Amelie- Yann Tiersen ] I was going to write a long involved post but I lost it half way through. So I'll try to recreate as much of it as I can but I will definitiely be shorter as I am dead tired. Hopefully this will amke some sense. Let's see... I've been feeling pretty crappy lately. Most due to my sicknesses but school has had a little bit to do with it too. Luckily midterms are over so I can relax for a little bit before I have to start all my term papers (God help me). I've been more and more class but I just can't seem to make it. The 15-20 minute walk just drains me of all my energy and I can't seem to concentrate. Argghh...Alex even reprimanded me today about the class I miss. Honestly. Anyways, I've only gotten one mark back so far on the midterms I wrote. 92% in anthro!! My other marks I'm expecting to be considerably lower but we won't think about that until I get them back. I feel so weird about Alex. The other night we had a conversation about uneasy feelings. I feel that I need him more than he needs me. Sometimes I doubt that he needs me at all. He reassured me and I feel a little bit better about it but I still think there is an imbalance. I don't know why. I just feel it. I always feel like I'm competing with his weed and if I'm not interesting enough, he'll want to spend more time high and less time with me. I know it's stupid and it really probably wouldn't happen but the feeling's still there. I was just talking to Alex. Nothing I do seems to keep his attention. I was talking to him, baring my soul, telling him why I feel so blah lately and he still leaves to go and smoke. Smoking is his number priority I guess. Well, nothing I can really do about that I guess.....boy, this entry seems so uninspired. I guess it's because i'm so unispired. I always though that university would feed my hunger to learn but instead its stopping it out. It feels like high school without the laughter and fun. how depressing. I mean, it doesn't feel that bad. Just a huge disappointment. As I struggle through each day the thought "I'm paying for THIS?" Always passing through my mind. Why am I here!?!?! I have no idea. It really brings me no joy.My life seems to have less point than ever. Coming to such a big place has shown me the harsh, cruel reality of the world. I can never make a difference. I don't matter. My Charmed life is to blame I think. I had a good family, good friends, good marks, good community. People knewn who I was and were glad to know me. I felt like I was a part of the surroundings. Here, no one knows me and no one cares to get to know me. I don't matter to anyone. I'm just another face in the crowd. A nunmber in their system. Number 33530031. Wow! Look how imortant I am. I feel stunted and suffocated. Its curious how one can feel suffocated and lonely at the same time. I'm more lonely here in the crowds than I am locked in my rooms at home. I feel no need to create anything, to do anything to express myself. I guess this is my forced effort, as bad as it is.....hmm....well, this probably doesn't make all that much sense..so I think I'm going to head off to bed. until we meet again... 1 comment|post comment

[20 Feb 2004|02:21am] [ mood | melancholy ] [ music | The show must go on -Queen ] Why am I so unhappy? I find I just cry randomly throughout the day. Little things will set me off. The thought of class makes me feel sick and I just want this year to be over. The only thing that keeps me going and trying at all is Alex. Without him I'd be lost. I know we've had our problems, probably because I'm overly sensitive and it bothers me more than it should when he does something I don't like. Regardless of the stupid mistakes he makes, he always tries to make things right and almost always puts me first. I'm so grateful that he puts up with my scattered emotions and total lack of interest in everything. God, I love him. I hope he knows it too. He's gone to the island for a few days and I already miss him. I know it's bad to say, but I kind of hope he doesn't get into co-op. I know what it's like to be away from him and I don't want to do it again. It's hard enough to be away from him for a couple of days. I'm so drained. I need to sleep but I can't. I feel tormented. I feel sick and lethargic. Alex said something about my sickness about being in my head. It makes me wonder. Am I really sick? What do I do if I'm not? I'm just so tired of life. I want no worries just for a little while. I don't even know if i'm making sense now. I'm so tired. i don't know what else to say. I think I need to make a point to come on here sometime earlier so my writing is a little more coherent. post comment

[16 Feb 2004|01:58am] [ mood | crushed ] It seems I never write in this journal unless I'm distressed. I guess it's because I need to vent. I feel on the edge again and I'm hoping that writing in here will pull me back enough to make it to tomorrow. First of all, I'm sick. The doctors think I have mono but they're not sure. I go in tomorrow for another check up. I've been feeling crappy and a little stressed because I've been missing class but lickily it's Reading Break now. It's so hard to be sick away from home. I have no one to take care of me. No one really even cares that I'm sick. Alex keeps telling me to suck it up and I don't know where to turn. On top pf that, Alex has abandoned me again. I feel like I love him much more than he loves me, that I love him too much. It hurts when he doens't want to be with me. I guess I let him get too close. I don't know exactly what to do. Push him away? Spend a lot of time with other people? I don't know. I feel disgusted with myself. I feel like a trapped animal, panicked and scared. how do I escape?... God, what do I do? I can't even write......I'll just have to think I guess.... post comment

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